Sock Puppet Interviews Sir James Savile
The Sock Puppet: Welcome to the programme!
Sir Jammy Swiveller: Now then, now then, now then!
TSP: Everyone was gobsmacked last year to hear of your death.
SJS: So was I! It's all lies, don't believe a word of it! It's a distortion, a fabrication, a complete exaggeration. A dirty rotten abortion of the truth, in point of fact.
TSP: So you're not actually dead at all?
SJS: Not even a bit of me! Far from it, in point of fact, fit as a fiddler's ferret is me, diddley-dee.
TSP: Okay, okay, can we talk about the records you've put on?
SJS: Putting on records - what a game, eh? What else can I say, in point of fact?
TSP: Your first was back in 1959, wasn't it?
Sir Jolly Swindler: “A herd of African Elephants Stampeded over a Cliff”? Marvellous sounds! Poetry in commotion.
TSP: Who was to blame for it?
SJS: It was an accident, pure and simple. A freak of nature. Does that satisfy you? Yes?
TSP: And your second hit?
SJS: Ah, “Sounds of a Gun Singer”? Did you dig that one, in point of fact?
TSP: Yes, we... dug... it. There's an urban myth that says the sounds used were from the gun that assassinated president Kennedy. How much truth is there in that?
SJS: Never reveal your sources, lad! With me, what you see is what you get.
TSP: But isn't it true that you were a close friend of Gary Oldman, the man who did the shooting?
SJS: Never proved in any court of law!
TSP: What about your last big number, “Whale Farts off the Coast of Glamorgan”?
SJS: Who's been saying that?
TSP: Some critics have called it a major contribution to global warming.
SJS: Well they would, wouldn't they? Jealous of the knighthood, in point of fact. Do you know, the record raised over fifty million pounds for the Prince's Truss?
TSP: And other campaigners have claimed that some whales were snubbed during the recording.
SJS: Well, you know, I only play these discs, I don't make 'em. Next question.
TSP: Was child labour used?
SJS: Do you mean, how many underage girls did I interfere with during my whole career?
TSP: In round figures.
SJS: I refuse to answer.
TSP: On what grounds?
Sir Justice Salamander: I claim homosexual immunity. That's a joke, by the way, in point of fact.
TSP: Ah, so you DO admit that you lied under oath?
SJS: No further questions!
TSP: But surely you would like to defend your record on Juke Box Jury?
SJS: Look, I've got His Royal Harness bringing the grandsons round to the camper van. There's a baby hippo in the oven. You'll have to put the rest in writing.
TSP: Don't worry, we will. You can read it all on “downwritefiction”.
SJS: More bloody lies! Wipe your feet on the way out!
TSP: By the way, the cheque's in the post.
SJS: I thank you. And next time, send a limousine, anyway! Now, where's me tongs?
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