Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Droning On About...

Of all urban myths, surely Musca domestica is the elephant in the bog-house? (Pardon my Latin.)
pope swat
Awarding this beastie a classical tag, we're buying into the freakshow that it has a share in our cultural heritage. It bloody hasn't. Any member of the Cyclorrhapa clan that wanders into a family home is doomed to die there. It may enjoy a few hours of feeding, crapping and copping off while good honest folk are out in the field, but the offspring of such matches have no expectations whatsoever.

All types of fly, gnat, bluebottle and mosquito take fair warning: houses are black holes to be sucked into. There is no return for you, your children or your children's children.

In point of fact, houses are the evolutionary windscreen of the so-called house-fly. With its record of deaths on the road, one might as well call it Musa vehicula (car-fly); or in reference to its terrorist sympathies, Musa vigila (SWAT-fly).

Said to have evolved just before the fall of the dinosaur, the so-called house-fly first buzzed into the cave dwellings of anabolic reptiles and single cell rodents. Unmolested by anything without hooves or tails, it ate crap, laid its eggs in crap and also did a fair bit of crapping itself. Archaeologists back me up on this will you, having raked through the spoils of these places, would you please confirm my apotheosis on the matter?
cave swat
Thank you. As, as can be seen, early man's home was plagued with the creature's ancestor, as shown in a cave painting carbooted back to -40,000 BMC. That such paintings do not actually depict the hunting of fly, may be explained away by the taboo of Ahimsa (I am a vegetarian after all). So though no actual image of a stone age swatting exists, I can say squashed examples peel from the walls of excavations like blackened palimpsests.

Turning our backs, for the present, on the past and ignoring the cries of future conversationists, swat abolishionists and other zombies of cant & can't... the outlook is bleak for this unwelcome house guest. I've retired 37 specimens already this morning and Go-My-Hod if I hain't done yet. Don't they know it's only four months to Crimbo? Their days are numbered, so help me! Look, one on screen right now! Splat! Gotchya! Yeuch!
window swat


game set & match

'twas rich how Donald's children were Trumped
as Palmer's lion Cecil was brought down
by eco-friendly bow & arrow this week

of course all hunting folk must bow
before the majesty of Juan Carlos' elephant
shot dead in a park some years ago

the pair of which made pride in Palin's
homey caribou look positively wasted

so what humdrum safaris are left to us
brandishing our weapon of choice
the fly swat takes such low skill & much fuss

that murder in the kitchen's better done
before the poor kids are up & dressed


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