Thursday, 10 July 2014

2014 Summer Beach Book Bitch

Moonlit Beach Reader
"No, not that Moon again!"
Sock Puppet's Annual Summer Beach Book Bitch is Back on the Rack!
Shit happens
At no. 1: "Sh*t H*pp*ns" by D*gl*ss T*rd. When the sleepy seaside resort of Bogton-under-the-Mere is plagued by an invasion of the old killer crapweed, Inspector Ernestina Gobshight is called in to investigate. Incapacitated by a severe case of the galloping runs, Ms. Gobshight turns her stinking en-suite at Ye Olde Fisherman's Hole into a Major Incident Room. Includes the welcome return of dastardly Professor Nosegay Von Pfart, plus dirty sox scenes interpolated by guest writer Yoni McEwans.
foreign matters
New at no. 2: "Foreign Matters" by SeƱor Coconut Macarooni. Entirely set during a single episode of downtown Llanfwllpyllgwyllediddion's all night fish'n'chip saga, "Cae-yr-Gerg", Macarooni's latest native alienation in South Wales is a tour-de-France of South Wales Native Alienation. Undistinguished by its weak links, this multi-lingual hipper text is typeset in no less than twelve hundred and thirty-four fonts. Comes complete with free pair of X-rated Spics and a packet of Mabinogion shorts (lubricated with 100% Welsh margarine).
the swimming cap
Dropping to no. 3: In "The Swimming Cap" by Nylons De Spinster, Wroittenmouth Parish Council's decision to introduce a swimming cap at the local duck pond is greeted with flatulent berries, cries of outrage and an alliance between postal voters and Euro benefit touts. When the mean two-circuit pond limit is hiked by a Changing Booth Tax and increase in Locker Key Charge, the action moves to an election campaign in which voter turnout turns out against shades of wrotten again ent it missus?
not on the coupon
No. 4: is a disqualified entry which is "Not on the coupon", no refund will be given and all deposits are forfeit. Passengers found reading this alleged book will be bound over to keep the peace for a period exceeding twenty shillings hardback. For copyright reasons, "Not on the coupon" is nfs in the USA or Canada.
Still at no. 5: "Six on the Beach" by Henrietta Clitorice is a thriller set in Times New Roman and bundled with Chelsea Clinton's 3 vol saga, "My Father", "Your Husband" & "Her Mouth". Recommended as easy reading for panty-hose supporters and accumulators of fake orgasm.
you take the high road
New entry at no. 6: "You Take The Highlands" by Citizen O'Cain. When Malcolm O'Busstop inherits Northern Scotland from his Uncle Ebenezer O'Sidcup, at first he is only dismayed by the odious responsibilities of Laird Provost that ownership of man & beast entails. However a couple of wee drams plus a smile or two from crumbly old Janet O'Craddock warms Malcolm O to his fate. Contains spoilers, traces of nut and artificial sweetners.
Jeanette Winterbum is not the only fruit
Achtung, diss banana iss loaded!
At no. 7 for its twenty-seventh year: "Jeanette Winterbum Is Not The Only Fruit" by vivisection expert, Gaye Wales. This collection of Northern English bush meat recipies is a must for all badge cullers and hunters of Tweety-Pie. Contains instructions for strangling and eating live stoat, hot-potting squirrel, half-baking weasel cake and - everyone's favourite - the ultimate buyer's guide to home made toad with wild pony sausage.

* All titles published by Shikser & Goy except "You Take The Highlands" published by Little Brown Jug.

1 comment:

  1. My nut is forever sullied with silliness. Bravo Phil, Yoni and Ernistina Gobschite


Readers' comments are welcome!