collected litter a chore

by Philip Lee

NO RELIABLE INTELLIGENCE IS USED IN THE MANUFACTURE & MAINTENANCE OF THESE PRODUCTS

 

After getting chucked out of drama school¹, this earlier version of Philip Lee – in a gesture of inverse snobbery – became a street sweeper for Westminster City Council. Oxford Circus being the centre of their patch, in the following months the subject could be seen wearing hobnail boots pushing a wheelbarrow through streets broad and narrow, crying Mind Yer Backs. It was a truly idyllic time. One day, a rich American tourist stopped, wiped away a tear and gave the sweeper a pound. Another, some poor American dropout asked if  – like the fellas on the dust in NYC – the job paid a huge salary. The sweeper responded to both these philanthropic outpourings with alacrity. And ever the performer with toes dipped in character, parked the barrow down a back alley to meet up with Riddy for Afternoon Tea in a Regent Street café - those dirty great working gloves plonked on the table between scones and clotted cream bowl. The year was 1977, when honest jobs could still be found by the working class. But the spectre of Margaret Thatcher was looming; within a few years of economic sturm und drang, even the lowliest forms of employment would be fought over like scraps cast from the banquets of yuppies making their fortunes off the backs of factory closures and export of manufacturing jobs to the Far East.

 

Click to recycle chapbooks:

unromantic ballads

less romantic ballads

rheumatic ballads

Camp Reluctance

little snides on the side

propaganda porpoises

2 lefts don't make a right

formal hysterics

dismal stories

It's >That Man Again

Or if a saving of forests is insisted on, go digital with the really cheapo Kindle eds.

 

ALL DATA IS WASHED IN SPRING WATER, SUN DRIED, SMEARED WITH ORGANIC GARDEN WASTE AND SERVED WHOLE.

 

¹Thanks for that Susanna, also credit is due to Gary, the only purchase I ever got out of a skateboard was using my youngest’s to shift a bag of cement when the garden wheelbarrow was full of something else. 

Not Waste!

back to the furniture II

 

Huw Prys

 

yeh the Welshie had

plenty chances bad

acting apart

 

sold their country down

England’s rivers clown

property mart

 

bought a castle flogged

horsemeat corpsed & clogged

scenes to an art

 

but the head was screwed

on committed crude

dealings by heart

 

stole their very show

from the dumbstruck rode

off with the tart

 

 

 

other side story

 

robotoids infesting planet X

spinning dizzily all day are blind

sided by their moon’s infernal light

crazy for sex

 

consciousness has rarely been achieved

just occasionally insight rules

backwards levitating arrant fools

sating a need

 

of their works a jealous god or gods

some confusion reigns in image made

like themselves demanding stones be laid

over the odds

 

such their love of inorganic wars

caused by pointless morganatic blues

upgrade packages unsold refuse

relative clause

 

at the heart of which intelligence

stars in rather minor speechless roles

caught between a pair of sinking holes

Nonsense & Sense

 

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GGG

old world orders

 

walking talking stalking bots

keeps the kiddies off the street

find themselves a space to meet

typing of knots

 

this no time for cursing lots

everyman’s got two left feet

family values three piece suite

noodles in pots

 

should your offspring get the hots

for a human’s patter beat

seven types of indiscreet

out of their spots

 

holidays fly Aeroflot’s

Vladivostok phishing fleet

caviar & vodka neat

have’n have gots

 

Heming’s way with poker dots

what complaints an empty sheet

next it’s Cuba’s standard treat

calling of shots

 

 

 

name check

 

Ruby Winebelch Sir

Roger D’Arse M’Lord

Ladyman & Dame

Lispeth the Bored

 

Colonel Whatshisface

Judith Pennylane

Howzyerfather Grace

Kelly Zinsane

 

Norris Chucklebuck

Ostrich Featherstone

Donald Zinthemuck

Spiceboise R Onn

 

Bwitish Confiscate

Effy Shufflefreight

Strootha Oilystate

Coffit N’Skate

 

Andy Andyman

Friday Girl Azknown

As McGill & Stan

Laura Le Groan

 

 

 

 

flip-flops

 

pull yourselves together chaps

ain’t no animation this

tragi-commie campness it’s

loose at the flaps

 

get a lug-hole for a conch

science by another name

every episode’s the same

lines without punch

 

hug bipolar bears release

cancelled scripts their plots unhatched

coupla arthouse tropes that crashed

wonders will cease

 

Series Two’s on hold I swear

grant us some intelligence

Tuesday’s on the phone to Pence

night of the mare

 

camera lights & action now

ladies let’s be having you

in the can by afternoon

bull from a cow 

 

 

sponsored lines

 

chocolate war on Mars is one

unintended consequence

rain in Spain another Swan

Vestas make sense

 

short & sharp but seven times

more efficient tryna shed

light on compensation crimes

goes to your head

 

smoking Lucky Strike man blow

rings round misty morning gloom

furthermore the datas show

adds to a room

 

full of scientists who choose

Gillette's new festival shave

lotion to old Orleans blues

digital Babe

 

yes Amerikar the brave

Gattling’s gun is getting on

buy today remember save

millions dot con

 

 

 

straight camp quotes

 

I

bully for us

took a quake to shut them up

nothing bout that other stuff

all I gotta say is puss

 

II

Stalin not a patch

on Shostakovich

Putin spends their watch

scratching a bitch

 

III

centrifugal farce

centripetal curse

what we wanna learn

is which is worse

 

IV

passing notes in class

meets at shopping malls

then it comes to pass

lavatory walls

 

V

whisper this you dragon’s tooth

merchants sow discord amongst

Caesar’s generals singing songs

throttles the truth

 

 

 

decisions decisions

 

if you pull that trigger guy

though unleashing death on kids

innocent or guilty it’s

you that will die

 

stands to reason take the camps

concentrated genocide

killed their dream can’t be denied

suicide champs

 

shaken by the Luger hand

cyanide seemed rather good

twenty secs to freeze their blood

perfectly grand

 

put another way your death

should you cheat the gallows live

out your days in Tel Aviv

hangs on a breath

 

every day & night you’ll be

justifying what you did

then to someone else’s kid

never be free

 

 

 

back to the furniture II

 

Jesus wept O god they plain forsaken him

he whose only goal in life has been to play

on the wing for Liverpool FC and win

cups not the blame game

 

all was going well he’d overcome those doubts

faced his demons & the sceptics on the Kop

played the season of his life defied the touts

even survived Klopp

 

then was crucified by Pontious Pilate who

sent him off that derby game the video

showed no foul indeed the crowd began to boo

really a poor show

 

handed down a three match ban then injury

meant he missed his chance to prove what he could do

loaned to Tranmere Rovers with no transfer fee

severance or renew

 

back he went to Palestine his father’s work

shop as prodigal a son as you could hope

for said Dad I tried my best the old man cursed

anyroad don’t mope

Not Going Backwards Innit!

new chapbook preview

 

Chapbook due out March '25

 

It's That Man Again (with apologies to Tommy Handley)

 

Exclusive excerpts on downwritefiction:

 

rewilding

 

Ted this land is yours

from the Bering Strait

to Europa’s gate

under your paws

 

gonna turn that clock

back to mammoth times

when them human kinds

cast the first rock

 

welcome bears that’s right

down the woods today

free to eat & play

all you can fight

 

’cept for wolves of course

coming back as well

howling dingle dell

who's for a horse

 

while we’re off to Mars

got our tickets paid

selling out on aid

trading in cars

audience participation

 

Quack will see you now

wipe your feet before

entering slight bow

eyes to the floor

 

Russian protocol

rules it’s like roulette

play the spiteful moll

see what you get

 

better flatter him

lay some goosie eggs

smile at every whim

twiddle them pegs

 

don’t prolong the time

wait until he comes

out with turpentine

flames from his thumbs

 

leave the bill with George

wash in Tony’s lounge

should be quite a wedge

flunkies might scrounge

 

 

  

arms for minerals

 

ain’t no Texas shake

down this Florida

folks a hurricane

coming your car

loaded head inland

upstate anywheres

witness take your stand

musical chairs

last one on their butt’s

gonna scoop the lot

rest of youse is out

ready or not

when it’s over babe

war I mean we drill

finders keepers cave

men get their fill

talking lebensraum

drang nach osten jive

love it when you frown

staying alive

Not again-again!

jobs for the cowboys

decretum apotheosis

did his mother bear
him the Juliis
hardly of this world
godheads on dimes

Virgil spun em well
traced their lineage
back to Priam smell
blood on the page

cos adoption counts
young Octavian
to Augustus mounts
Olympian

Orientalists
voting two to one
Superman exists
bargain was done

thus to deify
D as president
all you need’s a why
not argument



unofficial portrait

might’ve said you had a singsong voice
if yr needle wasn’t getting stuck
every time that’s all I’m saying Duck
give us some choice

go & see a man about a dog
Christ’s sake you caught them bones all around
shocking cliché innit pound for pound
croaking of frog

Aristophanes was Plato’s chum
mordant killjoy of a bloke they wrote
Socrates’ obituaries note
ruler of thumb

Tom that is which you should read one fine

night or hey whenever work allows
maybe after Godley’s milked the cows
blessing the wine

here’s a riddle no a muddle D
we’re too old they got us by the balls
running after spinsters sporting shawls
biscuits & tea



without prejudice

otherwise politically correct
anti-simianites deserve this test
stuff their carcasses with owl manuscript
curses out of Egypt

burn the guts pickle eyes in Kilner jars
stage a show trial on the journey to Mars
gotta entertain the public at large
Madness versus Barça

state their crimes in terms everybody lives
off & on an owl Victorian wiz

bang it’s roller coasting savvy now giz
up that other business

talking Ivor League & the Oxbridge Chump
sponsors to duckbilled platitudes of Trump
sorry for them vegans left on the stump
you too Rumpy-Pumpy

monkey man you’re owed an apology
standing on my shoulder reach for your treat
peanut says thank you for forgiving me
accusation’s evil



fair shares for all

Auschwitz child you got me there
short & curlies hologram
zooming kiddies going spare
who gives a damn

surely was the greatest crime
Sherlock hung his hat & said
nothing there’s no rhyme
reason is dead

but for Gaza now the West
Bank still occupied enough
Jews already not your best
moment this stuff

victims’ victims innocent
no except the children who’ll
always have the time they spent
pining for school

ethnic cleansing genocide
like the walls of Jehrico
fall through holes no one can hide
anywhere you’d go 

No What Am Saying!