Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Tories Cancel Riots

The 2020 London International Riots have been cancelled by the Kultcha Sec., Baroness Toss-Er-Jewels. When telephoned by the Sock Puppet, she had these words to say:

Baroness Toss-Er-Jewels: Who the hell said you could run a story like this?
London International Riots
Baroness Toss-Er-Jewels
by Sir Edwin Land-Sneer

The Sock Puppet: Philip Lee, the author and proprietor, Ma'am.

BT-J: And who does he think he is?

TSP: Well, he's a free agent; answers to no one but himself.

BT-J: In that case, you can tell him from me, he's going to need a jolly good brief when this gets out.

TSP: Righty-ho! He knows quite a lot of dangerous people does Philip.

BT-J: And what's that supposed to mean?

TSP: Just that he keeps company with some rather scurvy rogues with broken teeth and fingernails.

BT-J: Look here, I won't be intimidated, you know! We - at what-used-to-be-called the British government - take a very dim view of incitement. You can tell your Mr Lee that from me!


Later on, over a couple of gin-and-wotsits at the Carlo Marx Fan Club, the Sock Puppet had private words with Sir Bendy Copper, Chief of the Metropolitan Whatchamacallit.

Sir Bendy Copper: You should have come to me in the first place, old son, the old Kultcha Sec's not even on the case, sticking her pearly neck out is what. And organised rioting is not even an Olympic event for her to be mouthing off about. Comes under your Ministry of Justice and Peace.

London International Riots
Sir Bendy Copper

TSP: Was there an economic motive behind cancelling the riots?

SBC: Not as you'd notice. I think they were simply afraid of letting in all them foreign teams.

TSP: Such as?

SBC: Well, take your French for a kick-off. As soon as landing on the quayside they'd be setting fire to our muttons. Then, you can't beat the French at the art of building barricades from bric-a-brac. We'd've had all the totters of South London up in arms. Added to that, you'd get the old Gallic hurling of cobble-stones, which is not something you want to be on the receiving end of, you take it from me.

TSP: They learnt their lesson at Agincourt, then?

SBC: Certainly did, the cheek of them!

TSP: But surely, hasn't it been hundred of years since the streets of London were paved with cobble-stones?

SBC: (Tapping his nose) Planning on bringing their own, weren't they!

TSP: The rotters!

SBC: Then there's all that garlic to consider!

TSP: Egad! So who else was planning to crash the London twenty-twenty?

SBC: You name 'em! Whirling Dervishes, Brazilian Mud Wrestlers, Etruscan Troubadours, Chinese Winkle Pickers – anyone with an 'istory of grudge, Peruvian Gold Diggers, Californian Longshore Drifters, Vietnamese Street Vendors, The Whole Belgian Police Force, Masai Warriors, assorted Zulus, Greek Hoplites, Nude Amazon Booksellers, we could go on...

TSP: I'm sure we could...


Later still, the Sock Puppet talked via tele-conferencing link to Hosanna Bomb-Laden, President of GAGA, the Great American Gunlaw Association.

TSP: Will the US now curtail its special relationship with the UK?

Hosanna Bomb-Laden: Let me put you straight, sonny-boy, we want to see the UK remain a strong archipelago off the European coast.
London International Riots
Hosanna Bomb-Laden
(Artist's Impression)

TSP: And what of the “Little Boats of England”?

HB-L: Heck, you gotta secure those borders somehow! You can't see off the Indians and Chinese with a few privateers and an out of date fishing fleet. Your whole country needs to become a modern aircraft carrier.

TSP: Oh, right-on, Hosanna-Bomb!

HB-L: You know, we remember the days when the UK was the only bucket of light east of Nantucket.

TSP: Brings a tear to one's eye!

HBL: The country that gave us stockings-suspenders, horseradish sauce and five-day cricket!

TSP: Tally-ho!

HB-L: Just don't drink the tea is all!

TSP: Thank you so much for your precious time, Mr. President. Amex card alright?

HB-L: Do nicely, boy!

London International Riots
Stitch 'Em Up!