Monday 1 January 2018

Archie Locost - post mod'n'rocker


I

war was young the lads in oil & woad
pestered fishing strands & hillside towns
drove the yeomen back to save their homes
drank ourselves down

peace was always close at hand the old
folks would parley while the young uns howled
injuries we swapped for sluts & gold
drinks did the rounds

so the men were given new employ
picket duty paid to sit around
guarding sacred mounds which spiked our joy
drink ran aground

till the lassies turned their tails you see
farmers' boys had brought 'em fleece & kohl
sate beneath the well-hung chestnut tree
drank we a skoal

there you are a soldier's memories
stars or promises how should I know
drew me far across the wine dark seas
drunk on patrol



II

singing earthquakes floods & heaven knows
hail stones big as goof balls barmy coups
floaters fleeing civil wars & polls
strung on a blues

I have always stood averse to woe
tipped the waiting piper tapped my toes
never failed to foot the fiddler's bow
strung on a blues

surfed the years from node to crested node
lived a life composed of turpitudes
told some stories wrote some frigging odes
strung on a blues

faced with prophesies deep as sink holes
waves of Chinese that whisper no news
I've faked reports of prison break moles
strung on a blues

time to time to modulate the load
spun them oldies on a different tune
now ironic Aeolian mode
strung on a blues



III

barking man on peccadillos sprayed
cunt across my shield a straight I'm ill
literate unfit & charmless why
can't even spell

fat & greedy drive while txting quite
bald half blind my ears ain't small I smell
drink at least a quart of hooch a day
write with a quill

just in case you think I'm joking try
crossing me with the female from hell
kids beware is all I gotta say
grist to the mill

sense my humour Polly darlin' play
Missus for me since you're up it's fill
kettle time we'll have a cup of tea
isn't it well

don't much care the hour or day you see
someone's got to ring a bloody bell
what's so bad about me anyway
licensed to chill



IV

when the old guard lays a spiky head
must he mate with milkmaids live on farms
run with dogs go gathering herbs spread
muck with his arms

should the discharged pay for cakes & ale
begging waiters' pardons kissing palms
sink his pride to ask for tick or trade
muckrakes for arms

leave atomic weapons to one side
talk of soldiers' peace & who it harms
politicians lie in state they die
marked by our arms

veterans extend the other hand
playing blasted fools we sing for alms
entertaining youngsters what an end
mocked by our arms

give us more than glory thanks & pride
we who saved your bacon sing no psalms
war's the only creed we understand
mucking with arms



(special bonus piece)

Archie & the Locusts


a Harvey Weinstein production


if convicted say in their defence
like naked urchins they stood with needs
women's comfort lent them innocence
rash were their deeds

born to fight no family or friends
Locust pay was fame & concubines
rape is not too strong the maidens ran
warned of their wine

drink was but the means of it their cause
peace sublime for which post-coital read
soldiers win & lose for love of wars
loss was their lead

chastened till the urge returned they sang
barbs of ribald wit in mournful modes
echoed Arion of Lesbos rang
epic their odes

now accused of crimes for which they've paid
censored by their conquests underpants
tied around their ankles left unplayed
hollow their rants