Monday 30 September 2019

more cack in the attic




the Netflix treatment

Agent Ooks is way beyond the best
mass disruptor Gee has ever met
shook his hand with just a brush of skin
dry as a gin

cocktail speaks in British English like
Dr Watson’s chappie whatsis name
did for half the crooks on London Fields
geek with the cap

Ooks meanwhile puts crime where it belongs
knows a thing or two about the mind
criminals or terrorists from mad
women to men

name your favourite type of villain he'll
goad them on to greater evil deeds
dips inside the masonry of hood to raise
one to the top

when he has a deviant in place
plays the devil till it screws them up
then he’ll pounce you see his role's a cat
rustler at heart

*

Agent Ooks has walked out on the job
fifty times too many slings his hook
just when things are hotting up he slinks
off on a drunk

cold as an owl curried pizza box
Ooks will dig in deep a second fault
totally forgets his cover third
spoiler of plots

why they never fire him on the spot
heaven knows the holy ghost gives up
half its days off signing chits to get
him out of holes

still without this Ooks we'd never have
won the war on rock'n'roll or gout
writes a mean old postcard too a gent's
toilet of doubt

shags in fourteen different languages
did the Kama Sutra till divorce
bagged him seven hip hop dancing girls
drills on the twerk

*

well remunerated though he works
on & off the bank cannot keep track
lives from rags to riches by the hour
sleeps in a sack

barrow down the Old Kent Rd his shirts
Saville Row with underpants from Jock
Strap prefers to crawl than take a bus
barked at by dogs

never clocks himself in mirrors chucks
rotten eggs at Lord Mayor’s carriages
ladybirds undo their marriages
Ooks gets around

Gee is jealous if the truth were told
sold him down the river countless times
still he never ducks which makes things worse
Ooks is his curse

episodes for sale or rent enquire
face-to-face or here on-line my rates
astronomical no wasters please
Ooks is the best


Dirty Hole

past the scenic route this beauty spot
nestles under Todger's Vale & sores
needles' eyes all along down along
Crawley-on-Fawes

lads & lasses bent on trekking there
do beware its reputation shun
heaven's bells don't come a cropper turn
over in fun

hope abandoned mars the entrance but
plugging in & pressing on no doubt
drives the folks who choose to sod the map
till they pull out

all the stops commit themselves veer
headlong through on satan's parachute
I Tiresias who pioneered
gender dispute

stumbled on it many years ago
tie yr helmet down before you try
buckle up & bend that trusty bow
needless to die


flight 2019

crawling cross this map of Europe by
plane who knows what folks have made of it
Roman roads still visible & towns
ancient or new

forests lakes & mountains dominate
our ascent though clouds obscure some parts
making patterns of their own till fields
broaden the ground

one enormous river snaking south
joined by tributaries from the east
waters thousand-acre grain box plots
broken by strip

agriculture far as I can tell
then a bank of nimbus blocks my view
cotton budding far below the wings
glimpses of hills

false horizons white & grey on blue
wisps of vapour pass the portholes fast
while above us roars the sparkling great
darkness of space

*

having woken up the clouds are gone
now the river flowing north with towns
nestling on its banks at bends decants
seawards I guess

greens & browns replace the cornfield sands
woods obscured by narrow strands of cloud
tiny windmills stitch the chequered ground
railways abound

still the coast is some way off as yet
see-through gases hang above the ends
pocket airports bricks & mortar towns
parcel the plain

cross The Channel in another doze
London snags the Thames on stilts a vast
reservoir of dirty puddles bask
flat in the glare

rushing downwards left & right we pass
neat estates or scarfaced quarries new
industries & farmsteads roads canals
England at last

*

no it’s not a holiday I try
claiming things to sort out folks to see
course I'd rather drive & take my stuff
back on the roof

navigating half a dozen states
paying tolls explaining here & there
how I have compunctions not to leave
heirlooms behind

but there’s precious chance of such a step
plan it though I do from time to time
stead of which I fry the planet fly
budget airlines

count the cost a benefit of sorts
time to ponder where I stand between
continents & faiths as well as lands
baggage on hold

weighting in the wings suspended thoughts
take the wider view of time & place
better not to burn my boats but sail
head in the past


more cack in the attic

Shakespeare’s watch & phablet auctioned well
fifty universities outbid
one another till the offers climbed
over 10 bill

then some oligarchs stepped in & priced
Willy's privates into outer space
after which his priceless works of art
quit planet Earth

having left it up to Them to save
humankind from losing precious face
books prevailed a compromise was made
Portia & Lear

liked Elton Husk's idea of sending his
hidden files to server clouds on Mars
where in future scholars could repair
studying there

on a scholarship endowment scheme
meanwhile back in Stratford plans were laid
Shakespeare’s bones would one day be returned
from their new grave


the upside of down

eider ducked the question if it was
better in a former life to be
human & come back as something else
than disappear

altogether daft of me to ask
birds have never sat about & had
existential thoughts considered not
plucking their breasts

reincarnation's a question no
one can answer least of all a quack
quack perhaps a frog from spending years
under a stone

having time to think might put you wise
if the secrets of the universe
come to those who sit & hold their whist
or getting pissed

sleeping off the deepest darkest hang
over with an eiderdown to dream
under when it's cold outside a bird
brain ain’t so thick


Not for sale!


Monday 2 September 2019

chit chat

up Knight Street

chit chat 

are these people talking to themselves
some of them look odd enough to be
day release inhabitants of wards

mental illness used to be a thing
now it's all community response
able bodied means can use a phone

what is cracking up these days yourself
or your line to them who’s handling you
swear that person is avoiding us

talking on their Moby Dick it’s sick
someone should have words with them not me
half a mind to but I’m misconstrued

every time I try to make a point
feel as though I’m speaking out of turn
be the words I use are out of date

waiting for the Magic


conspiracy theory

Newton was an apple scrumping hound
Galileo stole the telescope
Einstein pulled a fast one Edison's
phonograph stank

Jesus had a circus act did good
business till he copped a spear plans
plans the best of mice & men what’s new
under the sun

King Canute kipped on the sand to prove
Superman was not his middle name
though he didn’t live a thousand years
still going strong

fame it's all a muggin's game as the
actress said to Unctuous the Umpteenth
let us pray you want me on all fours
wiggle of bum

who invented sex now there's yer man
patent leather’s out of copyright
DNA on snakes & ladders play
god for a night

down Myrtle Street

on air 

oh the onus of that red
light the cellos leant astride
double basses hugged like tubs
violins

big & small take five asides
horns & woodwind hold their fire
timpani & cymbals count
empty beats

just the chirpy cor anglais
playing rustic catch-me-ups
swoop of lark in dizzy flight
ecstasy

what’s the maestro doing now
harmonious scratch of head
bum & better left unsaid
god that’s lame

still they clash in unison
every instrument as one
time to prosecute that long
pent-up fart

 Never let on!